I’m so sorry to see you like this. It seems like just yesterday when you were the youthful embodiment of revolutionary zeal, ready to take on the world and change how everything works. Now you’re in a bit of a pickle and it seems like the vultures are circling. It wasn’t supposed to be this way!
Back in the day, you were a plucky young thing with a crazy idea of how to take on the ten ton gorilla, Blockbuster. Mail the movies to your customers! It was genius! Of course it was risky, too, which is probably what made your derring-do all the more enthralling. You had to create a supply chain comparable to that of other big name retailers, able to move DVDs out with an efficiency bordering on mania. You had to have inventory available for enough of your customers to keep them happy. And you did it with a panache that turned heads. Oh, yeah, you were the star baby!
And then there was your ability to offer suggestions based on viewer’s likes and dislikes. It was like having Miss Cleo right there with you as you picked your next flick! Except it was science! Do you remember that time you set up a contest to see if anyone could beat your recommendation algorithm? Yeah, me too. Those were the days, huh?
Blockbuster was steadily going down, you were on top of the world, and it seemed like nothing could stop you. Then we found out you had your eyes on another prize. Online streaming. Oh, sure, you told us later that was what you originally had wanted to do and I don’t doubt it. But like you said, the network wasn’t there, the licensing wasn’t there… you made the right call, to be sure. But now look what’s happened.
You started off well enough, hooked up with that Starz chick, but I told you at the time she was just slumming. I warned you she was just curious about you, not really sure things were going to work out. And sure enough, just when it seemed things were about to get serious, all of a sudden she demanded more. Hey, this sort of thing happens to us all. You know about my history with that girl from.. well, nevermind. No need to go there. But you know that old truism about there being lots more fish in the sea? Those aren’t fish here, buddy. Those are barracuda.
See, before, when you were happily doling out DVDs, they didn’t want any part of you. Sure, you sent them a check and all was well, but that was as far as it went. But now with this online streaming thing, they’re like little gold diggers, wanting a piece of your pie. And if you aren’t willing to share with them, well, they’ve got other takers. You aren’t the only one in the market, you know. I hear some of them are even willing to go it alone. That’s cold, man.
And now you’ve gone and ditched your DVD business, handing it off to your little brother, Qwikster. I hope you know what you’re doing there. No one has even heard of him and now he’s running the whole enchilada. Well, the DVD side anyway. And what’s up with that stoner he’s hanging out with these days?
Look, man, I know times are hard right now, but if you’re going to stick this out, you need to get back up, brush yourself off and go make the best of it that you can. You’ve still got some good numbers, and your online streaming thing isn’t going to melt away overnight, but you’ve got to get some serious juice lined up to jazz up that online streaming card you’re showing everyone. It’s a little stale at the moment. Consider what worked the first time, when you were offering people something that they couldn’t get anywhere else. Or, I don’t know, maybe you could get a wing man! Wait, that’s right, I heard you and Hulu hooked up with someone recently.
I know you’re the cheery sort, and I hear you’ve got some big plans, but you haven’t been really forthcoming with them yet. That’s cool. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk. Just don’t do anything drastic until we get a chance to discuss this some more, okay?